When me and my brother were little, my mum used to comment on an invisible being called Mr or Mrs I-Want. Mainly, she talked about it when once of us (mostly my brother, the most materialistic person I know!) started saying "Mum, I want this", "Mum, I want that". Not "May I have...", "I would like...", but demanding "I want...". My brother is not a polite person. Actually, come to think of it, I probably never got told off for Mrs I-Want coming to the surface of my Id (Freud!), because I find it VERY difficult to ask people for things like objects and money, even on my birthday and Christmas. Seriously, ask me what I want for Christmas from you, and I will squirm in my seat and not look you in the eye, and mutter that, quite possibly, it would be nice to have X. Oh, those awkward phone calls asking my mother for money at uni when I was close to the hellish end of my overdraft.
But that doesn't stop Mrs I-Want from materialising inside my head. Currently, I WANT a plum personal Osterley. No, let me change that- every fibre of my Id is saying I neeeeed a plum personal Osterley!!! Fortunately, Ego and Superego are helping to reign Id in, and I haven't bought one, or (awkwardly) asked for one for Christmas... YET!
Anyway, this brings me to the point of this blog post!
Last week I won Filofax's twitter Win Wednesday competition! The prize was an Osterley!... in Orange!!!
Orange, like the orangest of oranges!!!
It's gorgeous!!! It's certainly not a colour I would have picked myself- I'm not an orange person- but it's absolutely gorgeous!!!
It has some fantastic features (which I will tell you about another time), but this competition prize has just shown me how amazing the Osterley is... and has made me want the plum Osterley even more!!!
But the practical side of my brain is stopping me from buying the plum Osterley! I don't have the money, I don't need another Filofax... blah blah blah! Mrs I-Want is saying to me "But you could have the plum for Autumn/Winter and the orange for Spring/Summer!! Look at the beautiful colour of the plum, and the pretty pink stitching!! Wouldn't this amazing filofax be EVEN better in a colour you actually LIKE!!"
But... Imy said something to me the other day, while I was professing my love for her plum Osterley and saying I really wanted one of my own- she said "But don't you already have an Osterley?"
Yes. I do.
And why isn't that good enough?? OK, it's not a colour I would have chosen, and it's not very Christmassy or Wintery, but it's a binder tonnes of people would love to own, and I got it for FREE!! Why am I wanting another one? Why isn't this sufficient? Is it just the colour? Or is it Mrs I-Want?
But, strangely, the more I use it, the more I am falling in love with this binder! I am forgetting that it is bright orange, and starting to fall in love with its... personality?? (if Filofaxes can have a personality!!) I think that it is such a strange colour that in 5 years time it will be so unusual that it will be a classic filofax that people crave and wish they had bought when they were released. Like those bright red strange leathered Winchesters, of which you can find rare and drool-worthy photos on the internet!
Would I love a plum Osterley as much? Maybe if I had got one before this one, or if the competition prize had been the plum, then totally! But I feel that if I get a plum, it might not seem as... special as this one! It would be my perfect filofax... for a few weeks, until I got bored of it! Oh, fickle brain!!
So I have been thinking about my thought processes and logic behind all this. How can I love a filofax that I didn't really like more than a filofax that I (or Mrs I-Want) really really wanted? I have been watching a lot of Big Bang Theory, so don't mind me while I try to put this into a semi-scientific formula!
When I want something I really really want 100%, I can't stop thinking about it (like an iphone, which I wanted for years), and substitutes or alternatives won't suffice (like that cheapo Nokia I bought instead), I HAVE to have the thing I have been wanting for ages, or nothing at all. And it's all good when I get it.
But, when I get (as an impulse purchase, as a present or competition prize etc) something that I haven't been thinking about too much and I haven't been obsessing about (like my orange Osterley), and it works perfectly, I strangely find myself loving it all the more.
After a while, I don't love the thing I have been obsessing about so much when it works perfectly, because I always expected it to work perfectly, so when it does, it isn't a surprise or special to me.
But, when something that I didn't expect to be perfect for me does work perfectly, I love it even more, possibly even more than the thing I actually really really wanted!
Case-in-point: my A5 red Domino filofax. This was one of the early filofaxes I bought. I bought this particular one because it was my first A5, which I needed for uni, but it was cheap and I didn't want to spend tonnes on a leather A5 (even though I really wanted the A5 Kendal), because this size might not work for me. Actually, Rufus (my A5 red Domino's name!) worked great for me!
So everything's good, right?
No. For some reason, after a while with one of these not-obsessed-about binders, I find myself disliking them. There's nothing wrong with them, they just aren't... right. Cue part 2 of my realisation:
I suddenly realise that it isn't what I always wanted (e.g. a really nice leather A5, instead of a cheap Domino), it isn't my ideal thing I have dreamed about, and even if it's perfect for me, I start resenting it, and wish I had the perfect thing that I (retrospectively) realise I should have got instead/in the first place!
I start not liking Rufus. No Rufus, it's not you, it's me!!! It's not anything thing he's done, or anything about him- he works great- the perfect size, light weight, great rings, etc etc- it's about what he isn't. He just ISN'T that gorgeous leather filofax I have been looking at online. He isn't... perfect... even when he is working perfectly for me!
So how do I stop this? How do I prevent myself from becoming this way with my gorgeous orange Osterley? It isn't want I truly wanted, the plum one (through no fault of its own!)... I could still start resenting it! How do I secure my love for Orangesterley (gosh, it needs a better name than this!!)?
Well, here's a (long) mantra I have made for myself!
If something is working perfectly for me,
THEN IT IS WORKING PERFECTLY FOR ME!!!
I shouldn't have to change it just because it's not the ideal I imagined!
So, I can't let myself get to the point where I start resenting my filofax!! I must stop it before it starts!!
Actually, this is all a good life lesson. Nothing's perfect. But I can't suddenly abandon things just because they aren't what I wanted them to be. I can't dump a potentially great future husband because he leaves the toilet seat up or something (although, eww!!). Suck it up, live with it, and see the positives!! And don't let my thought process become negative!!